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Last night

Last night I was on my way home on my first day back at work after the holidays and I stopped by my favourite bar to wash away the taste

with a couple of beers.

I noticed two very large women seated by themselves at the far end of the bar.

They both had pretty strong accents, so in my most friendly voice, I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"

One of them snidely replied, "It's WALES, you idiot."

So I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...."


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the assistant, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘No! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d say about 29.’‘No, I’m 50.’ the woman replies with a big smile.

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a another shop on her way home. She goes up to the counter to and asks the assistant the same burning question. The assistant responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.He replies, ‘Madam, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘Oh bug*er it, go on then"
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each bre*st and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her bre*sts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her bre*sts removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
 

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A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, ’Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you
Everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, hercredit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please..' The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'
He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00,but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the BearRepellent is $3.50.
 

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